


I still love you

by Shadowdianne



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-15 14:02:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4609446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowdianne/pseuds/Shadowdianne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Is so easy to think on the moments you would have been able to tell her, the moments you felt the words inside of you, seconds away from being free. Is so easy to see that you could have done it back in those moments.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I still love you

**Author's Note:**

> I'm an asshole

“She is not in this world”

The first thing you can think about when you see her is how sure she had been that you couldn’t die, the strength on her eyes as she looked at you between the dark tendrils that swallowed her.

The first think you think when you start moving towards her, your feet slow, your whole body feeling sluggish, under water, is how she was so sure that you would be able to make her come back.

The first thing you think when you see her face in front of you is the many times you called her idiot, or you dismissed her, afraid of what she made you feel. The times you had looked at her, smirked at her, the times you had seen her eyes turning darker whenever you mentioned Robin, the times she helped you even if she seemed ready to burst into flames.

You can hear Snow’s screams someplace at your back, the portal to Camelot still open just right in front of you, swirling and menacing, close to explode any minute now as you become closer and closer to her, her prostrate body looking at you with closed eyelids and an expression that you aren’t sure anymore if it’s peace or exhaustion.

You can hear the “no” that escapes your lips, the way your eyes seem to burn as you realize, with an acute feeling, what she was ready to give of herself in order to be sure that you achieve your so called happy ending.

When you finally kneel in front of her your whole body is sizing, regret and pain filling it.

You bite your lips, unable to say anything, unable to just touch her yet. Maybe if you don’t do it you would be able to pretend, to think that this… isn’t real.

You thought you were going to have more time, more time to see her laugh, more time to look at her and pretend you didn’t care, more time of looks, of shy smiles, more time to actually know each other better. You thought you were going to have more time to be yourself with her without actually denying what you wanted, you thought…

You thought.

The second scream you hear is Henry’s and you close your eyelids, feeling completely torn, unable to turn and look at the young boy he is slowly turning into, unable to look at him and nod, confirming what he already knows. Your hands ache when you close them into fists, the dark clothes of the woman in front of her making you smile, a tiny, stupid little smile that curls on one side of your mouth.

“You idiot, black is my color” You say, broken sobs making almost impossible even for you to understand your voice. Is stupid, petty, to actually think about it but yes, she is wearing black and albeit the color suits her pale skin the only thing you seem to see is the woman that stood in front of you, all golds and reds, shy smiles and blushed cheeks, while trying to explain who she was and why she had brought Henry back from Boston.

The third scream is Hook’s, his ragged voice making you want to scream at him, his only presence a reminder of your own actions, of the things you didn’t do. You made the mistake of not being truthful; you made the mistake of not telling her before, before everything, before Hook, before Robin.

As tears start to fall down from your face you snort, your lips quivering uncontrollably, you were a coward and so was her.

But you can’t be mad at her, not now, not now when she is there, in front of you, closed eyes and too cold to even try to touch her. She is there and you need to be there, with her.

You wish you could fight, you realize, you wish you could stand and fight and ask for whomever that had snatched her from everyone to return her back. You wish even if you don’t know how to wish anymore.

The asphalt is wet and cold and for a second everything looks like that night, the night in where she disappeared. For a second you think you can turn back time and make it better. For a second you even think that everything is a cruel joke, a nightmare. But those thoughts only last a fraction of the time you have been searching for her and you realize that no, this is real.

And that what wets the asphalt is not rain but blood, blood that comes out of her, tinting everything red and you wonder why, you wonder why she fought for you, why she gave up everything, why she turned herself into something like this when you weren’t worthy. When even your so called soulmate wasn’t able to make the connection.

You know the answer though so you close your eyes and cry, a piece of what she had been slowly healing falling apart inside of you.

“I loved you” You whisper and whereas you hear gasps at your back you don’t look at them. This is private, something that only her needs to hear, something that you need to do. “I loved you and I can’t remember when I started loving you. I have the feeling you knew though”

That makes almost want to smile again because yes, you knew she knew it and if only, if only you…

“I still love you” You admit, looking at her face, her pink lips now as pale as the rest of her, her posture rigid, strange and you think on the way she slept back in Neverland; stiff, but almost like a child with her hands resting on under her cheek, carefully tucked.

Is so easy to think on the moments you would have been able to tell her, the moments you felt the words inside of you, seconds away from being free. Is so easy to see that you could have done it back in those moments.

So easy.

With your right hand you finally touch her skin, clammy and cold, your fingers grazing her cheekbones, the beginning of her jaw, her lips, stained with the same blood is staining your clothes, her nose.

“I love you” You mutter once again, not knowing what else to say. Because once upon a time you also loved and you tried to bring him back to life. But wishes don’t come true, no matter how hard we try to fight for them.

“I love you”

Those are the last words you say, unable to say anything else and those are the words you keep repeating at a crying Henry who has finally approached you, his eyes focused on his blonde mother, on the woman she was.

He doesn’t seem to mind that you are clutching into him as hard as he is hugging you and maybe that’s for the better because you aren’t sure anymore of what you are able to do.

“I love you”


End file.
